The Gottman Method for Healthy Relationships is a type of couples-based therapy and education that draws on the pioneering studies of relationships by psychologist John Gottman and clinical practice conducted by John Gottman and his wife, psychologist Julie Gottman. After nearly 40 years of research John Gottman was able to identify the elements it takes for relationships to last—among all types of couples across all phases of life. There are nine components of what the Gottman’s call The Sound Relationship House, from partners making mental maps of each other’s world to learning how to break through relationship gridlock. One of the reigning insights of the science-based approach is that in the dynamics of relationship systems, negative emotions like defensiveness and contempt have more power to hurt a relationship than positive emotions have to help a relationship. As a result, the structured therapy focuses on developing an understanding and skills so that partners can maintain fondness and admiration, turn toward each other to get their needs met (especially when they are hurting), manage conflict, and enact their dreams—and what to do when they mess up (because everyone does).

Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) is an intervention that can be used with couples and families.  It was developed to address issues that are present in intimate relationships of adults, improve emotional bonding, and development of trust in relationships to help them progress positively. EFT focuses on the PROCESS of your relationship, especially the emotions and patterns in the relationship. The goal of EFT is to make the relationship feel emotionally safer and more connected. (Arguing rarely achieves this goal!). I want to be secure in knowing that if I need you, you will be there, if I reach for you to connect or a moment in need, you will be there for me. 

EFT is used to assist the couples to form more appropriate reactions to their emotions and building empathy to become more aware of the emotions of his or her significant others.  This technique assists couples in strengthening their relationships through emotional bonding. It helps the couple to gain more trust and reduce anger or betrayal that may be present. Couples will learn to express those deep underlying emotions from a place of vulnerability and feel safe when asking for their needs to be met. Couples learn to be emotionally available, empathic and engaged with each other, strengthening the attachment bond and safe haven between them. 

This therapy identifies the importance of secure attachment and if an individual does not feel secure in their attachments with significant others or loved ones it can cause them to feel unsafe or in danger.  When an individual feels this danger they may negatively respond due to the fight-or-flight response being triggered. If the brain feels that they are not secure or safe it immediately starts to become anxious, negatively respond, or find coping mechanisms which may not be effective.  When a mind works in panic or anxiety mode, it has a higher prevalence to participate in negative behaviors, conflicts, or emotionally driven responses.

“The way individuals connect with the people close to them reveals what they’ve learned from past relationships. The problems they have in establishing and maintaining bonds are informative. On the simplest level, these problems demonstrate whether they’ve learned that relationships are safe and people can be trusted, or that being close to others is dangerous and people are likely to end up hurting you….It’s a cognitive shift for most people to understand that almost all negative behavior is the result of psychic injuries that have not healed. Being quick to anger or excessively self-absorbed, for example, is more often a symptom of unhealed wounds than a character defect. When people are mistreated, especially as children, they don’t know they’ve sustained a hit that strongly shapes the way they will connect to friends and other intimates in the future.” (“Receiving Love,” by Harville Hendrix, PhD, and Helen LaKelly Hunt, PhD, 2004, p. 73)

Co-parent counseling was developed in an effort to help divorcing parents learn how to "do divorce better" and "effectively parent."   Co-parent counseling helps parents learn to communicate effectively in a business-like fashion, leaving out all the emotions that are involved, and solely focus on the child. Unfortunately, parents sometimes lose site of what is important, and get caught up in what the other parent is saying or doing that may seem unfair. Divorce or separation can be traumatic for most children and support from both parents is needed in order to heal.

Co-parenting with the other parent after a divorce can be difficult.  When parents decide to divorce, they end their personal relationship as partners, but continue their relationship as parents. When couples separate some can separate their personal relationship from the parenting relationship allowing for the parents to agree to a custody arrangement and amicably share time with their child. They both can attend school and extracurricular activities and remain equally involved. However, for many parents, this process may be quite difficult; they may not contest custody and may want to share time with their child(ren), but have difficulty separating and keeping separate personal issues from parenting issues. These are the parents for which co-parent counseling is intended. 

Co-parent counseling allows parents the opportunity to process through the best interest of their children in a neutral environment.  When discussions begin to drift from parenting issues to personal and or previous martial issues that need to be kept distinct from the best need of their children, a professional is there to keep them on tract. The goals within co-parenting therapy is to help parents strengthen their ability to function in ways that nurture their children’s well-being and to help parents unburden their children by learning to manage their own emotions and anxieties regardless of the feelings their former partner triggers in themselves. Specific treatment goals vary according to the need of the individual but generally it will assist in establishing agreements regarding a schedule for when children are to be with each parent (parenting-time), areas for joint decision-making, means and frequency of communication between parents, and any other issues that may require attention. The hope is for parents to be able to free themselves from dysfunctional, emotionally-charged communication and behavior patterns by helping them to adopt clearly defined, respectful, and unemotional approaches to problem-solving and decision making.

I am very passionate about the benefits of being an effective cop-parent. Please see our blog for posts in regards to being an effective co-parent.

I cherish the fact that our youth can often see life more simply and adapt to change easily. Children are wired for relationships and healthy relationships with adults is crucial for their development of trust, empathy, and conscience and helps them develop curiosity, self-direction, persistence, cooperation, care, and conflict-resolution skills. Play therapy is used to help children ages 3 to 12 explore their lives and to freely express repressed thoughts and emotions through play. The goal is to help in learning to express themselves in healthier ways, process through their emotions, discover new and more positive ways to solve problems and resolve conflicts, and become more respectful and empathetic. become more respectful. Play therapy typically takes place in a safe environment where very few rules or limits are imposed on the child, encouraging free expression and allowing the therapist to observe the child’s choices, decisions, and play style.

We at Cornerstone, ask that caregivers recognize the importance of their involvement in treatment. I find that a parents’ impression may be that the therapist can resolve the behavior of the child. The parents understanding may be that it is all the individual pathology of the child when in fact it has a relational component which involves parental interactions with the child. In fact, every aspect of the development of your child from the ability to communicate, their social emotional well-being, the parent-child interactions and school readiness is influenced by the home environmental condition.

The involvement of the parents with their child is critical for a successful outcome in these challenging behaviors. With the parents being the ones that spend a significant amount of time with their child, collaborating with the parents to design interventions is a promising approach to help in reducing behaviors. Without this participation, the skills that may be learned within the therapy setting may never be practiced outside of therapy. Parents help immensely just by noticing when their child is using the skills acquired in therapy and reinforcing them. Just the presence and involvement of the parent will allow the child to feel more supported and not feel as though all the work is on them and they are the problem.

When a child attends therapy and acquire the necessary tools to help them feel better and communicate more effectively but are placed back into an unchanged environment, at some point all of these tools will fade, and old patterns will only return. We do understand that your participation in your child’s therapy may seem overwhelming and seem like it is just “one more thing I have to do” for which there simply is just not enough time.

As John Wooden has said, “If you don’t have time now to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?” Parents may not only be contributors to the problem their children are experiencing, but the best resources to support their child in developing positive mental health. We want to encourage growth and healing by having parent’s participation and present in this journey.

“You don’t open up about your weaknesses to get something FROM your kids – you do it to give something to TO them.
You are giving them the gift that their struggles and weaknesses are a normal part of life for everyone. And, perhaps more importantly, you are giving them more of the real you – which is what they really need and want anyhow.” ~ Unknown Author

Here at Cornerstone, we offer a non-judgemental approach and aim to uncover underlying causes of your addiction. No one starts out wanting to become an addict. When referring to addiction of any kind, it is important to recognize that its cause is not simply a search for pleasure and that addiction has nothing to do with one's morality or strength of character. People often debate about whether addiction is a disease or a true mental illness. Such debates are not likely to be resolved anytime soon. However the lack of resolution does not preclude effective treatment. 

Behavioral therapy and counseling are important elements of treatment. Cognitive behavioral therapy is often used to help clients identify, avoid, and cope with situations in which they are most likely to abuse substances. The technique of motivational interviewing is often employed to remind people of their values, as a way of avoiding use. Family therapy may be provided as well to help the patient maintain a supportive environment and improve family functioning.